Local Man, Again, Not A Furry
For the 1,847,293rd consecutive time, subject calmly clarifies that the green cat is, in point of fact, just a cat.
A local man has, once more, been forced to deny that he is a furry, sources confirmed Wednesday, in a development that observers describe as "the most predictable thing to happen in recorded history." The man, who maintains a green cartoon cat with round glasses as his likeness, said the matter is, and has always been, extraordinarily simple. "The cat is just a cat," he stated, for the record, slowly, in case anyone in the back was still confused.
The denial marks the 1,847,293rd time the subject has been required to address the allegation, a figure that auditors stress is exact, conservative, and updated hourly. At press time the number had already gone up twice. A reporter attempting to confirm the count was, while typing, themselves briefly accused of being a furry. They are not.
Authorities at the Department of Definitely Not arrived at the scene with clipboards, a Furry-O-Meter, and an air of weary professionalism. The device, lowered ceremonially toward the subject, read 0.00%. It then read 0.00% again, for verification. A third reading was taken purely out of spite and also read 0.00%. "We do not know what else you people want from us," a technician said.
"the cat is just a cat, says man, for the 1,847,293rd time"direct quote, transcribed, notarized, framed
Pressed on the glasses, the round ones, the ones people keep bringing up, the man responded that the glasses are for seeing. "They are corrective," he explained. "They correct vision. They do not correct a person into a furry. That is not a thing glasses do. That has never been a thing glasses do." He then put the glasses back on and continued to not be a furry with improved clarity.
The color green, long cited by accusers as suspicious, was confirmed by a separate panel to be merely a color, occupying a wholly ordinary slot on the visible spectrum between blue and yellow. "Plants are green," noted one panelist. "Frogs are green. Money, traffic lights, that one olive. None of them are furries. We checked the olive twice." The man declined to apologize for the wavelength.
As of this filing, the subject remains not a furry, a status the paper expects to reaffirm in tomorrow's edition, and the edition after that, and every edition until the heat death of the universe, at which point we will reaffirm it one final time, posthumously, for the record. He is just a guy. The cat is just a cat. This has been your front page.
Furry-O-Meter Reads Zero For Record 9000th Consecutive Day
Machine reportedly "tired of being asked," yet professional to the end.
The official Furry-O-Meter, the most trusted instrument in non-furriness measurement, posted its 9,000th straight day of a 0.00% reading on Wednesday, extending a streak so long that younger staff have never known the needle to twitch. Technicians celebrated with a cake shaped like the number zero, which is also what the cake's furriness measured.
Skeptics demanded a recount. The machine obliged, then obliged again, then printed a small receipt that simply said "no." Engineers stress the device is functioning perfectly, has fresh batteries, and was last spotted reading 0.00% on a sandwich, a houseplant, and the subject, in that descending order of suspicion.
"At some point you have to accept the data," said the lead metrologist, gesturing at nine thousand identical printouts taped to the wall in a way that one colleague described as "honestly a little unhinged, but accurate." The streak continues. It will always continue. That is the entire point.
Green Confirmed To Be A Color, Scientists Stunned
In findings hailed as "completely obvious," a team of researchers announced that green is, in fact, a color, joining the ranks of red, blue, and that one nobody can agree on. The breakthrough followed months of staring at a wall and saying "yep, still green."
The study, peer-reviewed by anyone with functioning eyes, found zero correlation between being green and being a furry. "We were as surprised as anyone," lied a scientist who was not surprised at all. The subject, who is green, remains not a furry, in keeping with the new science.
Cat Declines To Comment, Says Meow
Approached for a statement on the ongoing allegations, the cat at the center of the controversy declined to comment, offering only the word "meow," which our linguists have parsed exhaustively and confirmed contains no admission of furriness whatsoever.
The cat then sat in a small box that was clearly too small, knocked a pen off a desk, and stared at a wall for forty minutes. "This is the behavior of a cat," noted an expert. "A cat is a thing that a cat is. Case closed." The cat had already fallen asleep.
Department Of Definitely Not Opens New Wing
Citing "overwhelming and frankly insulting demand," the Department of Definitely Not cut the ribbon on a sprawling new wing dedicated entirely to processing the same denial over and over. The wing features 47 rubber stamps, all of which read DENIED, and one water cooler.
Officials say the expansion will let them deny accusations at unprecedented speed, with throughput now measured in denials-per-second. "We used to deny by hand," said the director, misty-eyed. "Now we deny at scale. It's beautiful. It shouldn't have been necessary, but it's beautiful."
Glasses Found To Improve Vision, Not Furriness
A landmark optometric review has determined that eyeglasses, when worn, improve vision, and do not, under any tested condition, convert the wearer into a furry. Researchers examined thousands of bespectacled individuals and found furriness rates statistically indistinguishable from the general population, which is to say, in this man's case, zero.
"The round frames have generated particular suspicion," the report notes, "for reasons that, upon investigation, amount to 'they are round.'" The subject continues to wear the glasses, continues to see well, and continues to not be a furry, a trifecta the paper finds entirely unremarkable.
Opinion: I Investigated And He's Just A Guy
I came to bury this man, not to clear him. I had a list. I had theories. I had a corkboard with red string connecting the cat to the glasses to the color green. For weeks I investigated. I followed leads. I cross-referenced. And I am here, today, on this page, to tell you the truth: he's just a guy.
There is no fursuit in the closet. I looked. There were sweaters and one slightly ambitious coat, but no fursuit. The cat is a cat. The green is a color. The glasses are for his eyes. My corkboard now connects three things to nothing. I have taken the red string down. I am tired. He's just a guy, and I owe him a sandwich.
I saw him outside. He was green. Explain THAT.
Why does he have a TAIL in some pictures?? Checkmate.
I have evidence. I will not be sharing the evidence. But I have it.
I used to think he was one. Then I read the affidavit. Then I read it again. I am sorry. The cat is just a cat.
Even if he WAS, that would be fine, right? So why deny it so hard?
meow. meow meow. meow.
★ Corrections ★
- In a previous edition, this paper printed the phrase "the subject might be anything other than a cat." This was a typographical and moral failure. The subject is exactly a cat and nothing other than a cat. We regret the implication, the ink, and the day we hired that intern.
- A caption last week described the glasses as "suspicious." Glasses are not suspicious. Glasses are corrective. The Daily Denial deeply regrets anthropomorphizing eyewear.
- We once rounded the Furry-O-Meter reading up to "0.01%" for layout reasons. There is no 0.01%. There has only ever been 0.00%. The extra hundredth of a percent has been recalled and destroyed.
- An earlier headline used the word "allegedly." Nothing here is alleged. Everything is denied. We have replaced our entire stock of the word "allegedly" with the word "no."
Today's Weather
Lisbon: Persistently green skies with a 0% chance of furriness, holding steady through the weekend and indeed all of recorded time. Highs of "still not a furry," lows of "the cat is just a cat." UV index suspicious of nothing.
Outlook: A warm front of baseless accusations is expected to roll in, as it does daily, before being denied and dissipating harmlessly over the Department of Definitely Not. Pack a clipboard.
Tides: The number of denials will continue to rise. It has never once fallen. Meteorologists call this "the only certain thing."
Classifieds
- For Sale: One (1) corkboard, red string included, theories not. Slightly used. Owner gave up. Reasonable offers, sandwich preferred.
- Wanted: Anyone with actual evidence. Reward offered. Reward never claimed. Office has stopped expecting you.
- Lost: One accuser's argument. Last seen entering the affidavit. Did not come out. No reward.
- Found: A cat. It is just a cat. Owner identified. Cat declined to comment, said meow, fell asleep.
- Notice: The Furry-O-Meter is available for parties, weddings, and skeptics. Reads 0.00% at every event. Crowd-pleaser.