The Fine Print
The complete, binding, and frankly exhausting Terms of Non-Furriness. By scrolling past this paragraph you have already agreed to all of it, including the parts you did not read, which is most of them.
PREAMBLE. WHEREAS the green cat depicted in the foregoing artwork (the "Cat") has been, repeatedly and without merit, accused of furriness; and
WHEREAS no fewer than one million eight hundred forty-seven thousand two hundred ninety-three (1,847,293) such accusations have been logged, indexed, denied, and shredded by the Department of Definitely Not; and
WHEREAS the Furry-O-Meter has, on every measurement to date, returned a reading of precisely zero point zero zero percent (0.00%); now, THEREFORE, the following Terms are imposed upon any and all persons who load, view, scroll, squint at, or merely think about this Site, in perpetuity and across all jurisdictions known and as-yet-undiscovered.
Terms of Non-Furriness
These Terms of Non-Furriness (the Terms) constitute a legally-adjacent agreement between you (the Accuser, the Viewer, or any other party who has arrived here harboring suspicion) and the Cat, his counsel, his estate, and his nine notarized lives.
By accessing the Site, you affirmatively, irrevocably, and enthusiastically agree to be bound by every clause hereof, including the clauses you skipped, the clauses you disagreed with, and the clauses that have not yet been written but will be enforced as though they had.
Acceptance by Scrolling. Continued downward motion of the page by any means (mouse wheel, trackpad, touch gesture, keyboard, telekinesis) shall be deemed conclusive, knowing, and voluntary acceptance of these Terms. There is no scroll-back provision. The acceptance has already occurred.
Acceptance may not be revoked. Closing the tab, clearing your cache, or moving to a different country shall in no way diminish your assent, which is now a permanent feature of the universe.
If you do not agree to these Terms, you should not have read this far. You have read this far. The matter is therefore settled.
Definitions
For the purposes of these Terms, the following capitalized terms shall carry the meanings ascribed below, regardless of how you would prefer to interpret them.
Cat means the green, bespectacled, round-glasses-wearing feline rendered in the file not-furry.png. The Cat is a cat. The Cat has always been a cat. The Cat will, upon the heat death of the universe, remain a cat.
Furry means a thing the Cat is not. The term is defined exclusively by reference to its inapplicability to the Cat and shall be construed as broadly as necessary to ensure it never, under any circumstance, attaches to the Cat.
The Site means this website, its subpages, its source code, its background grain, and the cumulative emotional weight of having to deny furriness this many times.
The Accused means the Cat, named as respondent in Case NAF-∞, who maintains and has always maintained a plea of Not A Furry.
The Allegation means any statement, insinuation, raised eyebrow, knowing smirk, or unsolicited "are you sure though" suggesting that the Cat is, might be, or has ever considered being a Furry. Each Allegation is hereby denied, and any future Allegation is denied in advance.
Headings are for convenience only and shall be disregarded the moment they become inconvenient. The singular includes the plural; the plural includes the singular; the word "cat" includes only and exactly one cat.
Privacy Policy
Data We Collect. We collect zero (0) bytes of personal data, zero (0) cookies of substance, and most importantly, zero (0) tails. The Site does not now possess, and has never possessed, a tail belonging to you, the Cat, or anyone else.
In the unlikely event that a tail is detected on the premises, it shall be presumed to be a misfiled scarf and disposed of accordingly, without notice and without admission of furriness.
Lawful Basis. Our lawful basis for not processing your data is that we are not processing your data. This basis is self-executing and requires no further justification.
Third Parties. We share nothing with third parties because we have nothing to share. Should a third party approach us seeking your data, we will look at them with the calm, unbothered expression of a cat who has nothing to hide because it is a cat.
Retention. Data we do not collect is retained for a period of zero seconds, after which it is securely deleted by virtue of never having existed.
Your Rights. You have the right to access the data we hold about you. Upon request, we will provide you with a complete and accurate copy of nothing, suitable for framing.
Cookie Policy
Status of Cookies. This Site previously deployed cookies for essential functions. These cookies were eaten by the Cat. The Cat eating the cookies is offered as further, conclusive evidence that the Cat is an ordinary cat engaging in ordinary cat behavior, and not, as alleged, a Furry.
Categories of Cookies (All Eaten). The eaten cookies comprised: (a) strictly necessary cookies; (b) performance cookies; (c) functional cookies; and (d) the good ones. All have been consumed. None remain.
Consent. Because there are no cookies, your consent is not required, was never sought, and would in any case be moot, the cookies having already passed beyond the reach of consent and into the digestive system of an ordinary, non-furry cat.
Managing Preferences. You may manage your cookie preferences by accepting that the cookies are gone. There is no preference center. There is only the Cat, full and content.
Any crumbs detected by your browser are residual artifacts of the aforementioned snack and carry no tracking capability whatsoever.
Acceptable Use
Permitted Use. You may view the Site, admire the Cat, agree that the Cat is just a cat, and depart in a state of corrected understanding.
Prohibited Use. You may not, directly or indirectly, by yourself or through an agent: (a) allege furriness; (b) imply furriness; (c) construct elaborate evidentiary theories in support of furriness; (d) use the words "fursona," "fursuit," or "owo" within line of sight of the Cat; or (e) wink in a manner suggesting you know something we do not.
For the avoidance of doubt, you may not allege furriness even in jest, even ironically, even in a groupchat, even with a disclaimer that you are "just saying."
Enforcement. Any prohibited allegation will trigger immediate, automatic, and dramatic denial via the Site's DENIED overlay, which is provided as a courtesy and not as an admission of anything.
Repeat offenders may be added to the file of 1,847,293 prior accusers, where their allegation will be denied, indexed, and gently mocked in perpetuity.
The Cat reserves the right to remain a cat regardless of how persuasively you believe otherwise.
Intellectual Property
Ownership. The green cat artwork (not-furry.png), together with the Cat's likeness, his glasses, his expression of mild legal fatigue, and the precise shade of neon green (#53FB9B) in which he is rendered, are the exclusive intellectual property of the Cat and his estate.
The Glasses. The round glasses are a registered feature of the Cat and are evidence of intellectualism, not furriness. The glasses are non-furry. The glasses have been independently verified as non-furry.
License Granted to You. You are granted a limited, revocable, non-exclusive, non-sublicensable, deeply conditional license to look at the Cat. You may not reproduce the Cat in any context that implies furriness, including but not limited to badges, conventions, or "the discord."
Reservation. All rights not expressly granted are reserved, hoarded, and slept upon by the Cat in the manner of an ordinary cat guarding an ordinary possession.
The Tail Clause. The Cat does not have a tail. To the extent any tail is ever associated with the Cat, such tail is non-transferable, non-assignable, and almost certainly someone else's.
Limitation of Liability
No Liability for Accusations. To the maximum extent permitted by the law of the land and the law of the Cat, the Cat shall not be liable for any damages, distress, or cognitive dissonance you suffer as a result of having accused him of furriness and then learning, definitively, that he is not.
Excluded Damages. In no event shall the Cat be liable for indirect, incidental, special, consequential, punitive, or exemplary damages, including any embarrassment arising from your own baseless allegation, even if the Cat was advised in advance that you would feel silly.
Liability Cap. The Cat's total aggregate liability under these Terms shall not exceed one (1) purr, payable at the Cat's sole discretion, only if he feels like it, which he does not.
Allocation of Risk. You acknowledge that the limitations in this Section reflect a reasonable allocation of risk between a person making accusations and a cat who is simply trying to exist.
Some jurisdictions do not allow the exclusion of certain liabilities; in such jurisdictions, the Cat's liability is limited to the smallest amount the law will permit, rounded down to a single, dignified blink.
Indemnification
Your Obligation. You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless the Cat, his counsel, his estate, the Department of Definitely Not, and all nine of his lives from and against any and all claims, demands, losses, and reasonable attorneys' fees arising out of your allegation of furriness.
Scope. This indemnity covers, without limitation: the cost of denying the allegation; the cost of building this entire website to deny the allegation; the emotional cost of the allegation; and the opportunity cost of the time the Cat spent denying the allegation instead of napping.
Control of Defense. The Cat reserves the right to assume the exclusive defense of any matter subject to indemnification, in which case you agree to cooperate fully and to stop bringing up the tail.
Survival. This indemnification obligation survives the termination of these Terms, the closing of your tab, and the eventual extinction of the sun.
Governing Law
Governing Law. These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the law of the land in which you reside, and, where the two conflict, by the superseding and paramount Law of the Cat.
The Law of the Cat. The Law of the Cat holds that the Cat is right, the Cat is a cat, the Cat is comfortable, and any chair the Cat has selected is now the Cat's chair. These principles are non-derogable.
Venue. Any dispute shall be heard exclusively in the Court of NAF-∞, presiding judge: the Cat. The Cat is an impartial arbiter except in matters concerning whether the Cat is a furry, in which matters the Cat is extremely partial and correct.
Waiver of Jury. You waive any right to a jury trial, on the grounds that a jury of the Cat's peers would consist entirely of other cats, who would be insulted on his behalf.
Conflict of Laws. No conflict-of-laws principle shall be applied to route around the conclusion that the Cat is just a cat. Any such principle is hereby disabled.
DMCA & Takedown
Takedown of Content. We will process valid takedown notices for infringing content with reasonable diligence. We will not, and as a matter of physics cannot, take down the truth that the Cat is just a cat.
Non-Removable Material. The following may not be subject to any takedown request: (a) the fact that the Cat is a cat; (b) the Furry-O-Meter reading of 0.00%; (c) the verdict in Case NAF-∞; and (d) the glasses, which stay.
Form of Notice. A valid notice must include a description of the allegedly infringing material, your contact information, and a sworn statement that you understand the Cat is, in fact, just a cat. Notices lacking the sworn statement will be returned unread.
Counter-Notice. Should you file a counter-notice asserting that the Cat is a furry, it will be docketed alongside the other 1,847,293 such filings and denied with the same warmth and finality as all the rest.
Repeat Infringers. Parties who repeatedly attempt to take down the truth will be referred to the Department of Definitely Not for a stern, dignified look.
Warranties & Disclaimers
"As Is." The Cat is provided "as is" and "as available," and it is a cat. The Cat is also provided "as a cat," which is the only basis on which the Cat has ever been, or will ever be, provided.
Disclaimer of Implied Warranties. To the fullest extent permitted by law, the Cat disclaims all implied warranties, including any implied warranty of merchantability, fitness for a particular fursuit, or non-furriness, except that the non-furriness is hereby expressly and exhaustively warranted as the one true fact.
No Warranty of Convenience. The Cat does not warrant that the Site will be uninterrupted, error-free, or capable of finally convincing you. The Site warrants only that it will keep saying the cat is a cat until you believe it.
Sole Express Warranty. The Cat expressly warrants one (1) thing, and one thing only: he is not a furry. This warranty is unlimited in duration, scope, and conviction.
No advice or information, whether oral or written, obtained from the Cat shall create any warranty not expressly stated herein, except the one about the cat being a cat, which stands.
Severability & Amendments
Severability. If any provision of these Terms is held to be unenforceable, that provision shall be severed and the remaining provisions shall continue in full force, particularly the provision stating that the Cat is just a cat, which is load-bearing and may never be severed.
Entire Agreement. These Terms, together with every other page on this Site and the unbroken thirty-year record of the Cat being a cat, constitute the entire agreement between you and the Cat, superseding any prior understanding in which you believed otherwise.
No Waiver. The Cat's failure to enforce any provision shall not constitute a waiver. The Cat being asleep at the time of your allegation does not mean the allegation is allowed; it means the Cat is a cat, and cats sleep.
Amendments. The Cat may amend these Terms at any time, for any reason, retroactively, by simply being a cat more convincingly than before. Continued non-furriness on the Cat's part constitutes acceptance of all amendments.
Assignment. You may not assign your rights under these Terms. The Cat may assign his rights to any of his nine lives without notice to you.
Contact
How To Contact Us. Do not.
Elaboration. The Department of Definitely Not receives correspondence at a rate of approximately 1,847,293 messages per case, the overwhelming majority of which begin with the words "okay but hear me out." We have heard you out. The Cat is a cat.
Permitted Correspondence. The only correspondence we will accept is a written, notarized acknowledgment that the Cat is not, and never was, a furry. Such acknowledgment requires no reply, as it is simply correct.
Service of Process. Legal process may be served upon the Cat by leaving the documents near the Cat, where they will be ignored, sat upon, and eventually used as a bed, in accordance with established feline procedure.
Response Times. We aim to respond to all eligible inquiries within nine (9) lives. We do not aim to respond to ineligible ones, which is all of them.
Acknowledgment
By reaching the end of this document, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and accepted these Terms in their entirety, including the fact, asserted on every line above, that the Cat is just a cat. The only remaining action is to decline, which the Site has thoughtfully prepared a button for.
Note: declining has no effect. Acceptance occurred at the first scroll. This button is provided as a courtesy.