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FREQUENTLY ALLEGED ACCUSATIONS
Below is the full, unedited transcript of one (1) interrogation. The accuser texts in red. The subject replies in green. The subject does not break a sweat. The cat is just a cat.
THE INTERROGATIONsecure channel · case naf-∞
live
§ 01 · THE CAT
ok be honest. your profile picture is a cat. you're a furry.
accuser · 11:02
that is a drawing of a cat. it is a cat. case closed in record time.
tiago · 11:02
but it has EARS.
accuser · 11:03
cats famously come with ears pre-installed. this is not a customization i selected.
tiago · 11:03
WHISKERS THOUGH
accuser · 11:03
a cat without whiskers would be the suspicious thing. you have it backwards.
tiago · 11:04
it has a TAIL. explain the tail.
accuser · 11:04
the tail is on the cat. it is not on me. i have checked. repeatedly.
tiago · 11:04
so you ADMIT it's an animal
accuser · 11:05
a cat being an animal is not a confession. it is taxonomy.
tiago · 11:05
do you accuse people with dog profile pictures of being dogs
accuser · 11:06
no, because you wrote that, not me. you are interrogating yourself now.
tiago · 11:06
a real human would use a photo of their actual face
accuser · 11:07
half the planet uses a cartoon avatar. you have indicted the entire internet.
tiago · 11:07
§ 02 · THE COLOR
it's GREEN. cats aren't green. that's sus.
accuser · 11:09
your concern is that the cat is not realistic enough to be a furry. think about that.
tiago · 11:09
why green though. why specifically green
accuser · 11:10
because it looks good. that is the entire forensic report.
tiago · 11:10
neon green is a FURSONA color. everyone knows that
accuser · 11:10
it is also the color of every traffic light telling you to keep going. drive safely.
tiago · 11:11
a normal person would have a normal colored cat
accuser · 11:11
a normal person would not have built a chart of acceptable cat colors. and yet here you are.
tiago · 11:12
§ 03 · THE GLASSES
the cat wears GLASSES. round glasses. that is fursona behavior.
accuser · 11:14
the glasses are because i wear glasses. the cat and i have the same prescription. it is called accuracy.
tiago · 11:14
cats don't NEED glasses
accuser · 11:15
correct, which is why it isn't a real cat, which is why it isn't a fursona, which is why we are done here. thanks for playing.
tiago · 11:15
accessorizing an animal is literally step one of having a fursona
accuser · 11:16
then every charity selling a turtle in a tiny hat owes you an apology.
tiago · 11:16
the glasses make it look smart and friendly. that's a CHOICE.
accuser · 11:17
smart and friendly is also a choice you could make. no pressure.
tiago · 11:17
§ 04 · THE WEBSITE ITSELF
you built THIRTEEN PAGES denying being a furry. a normal person ignores it.
accuser · 11:20
a normal person also doesn't text a stranger at 11am to ask about a cartoon cat's tail. we're even.
tiago · 11:20
the lady doth protest too much, methinks
accuser · 11:21
that line is about a play within a play. you have accidentally accused yourself of being the murderer. classic Hamlet.
tiago · 11:21
building a whole defense is SUSPICIOUS. innocent people don't have a Furry-O-Meter.
accuser · 11:22
innocent people also don't get a Furry-O-Meter unless someone keeps texting them at 11am. circle of life.
tiago · 11:22
there's an entire AFFIDAVIT. who notarizes a denial?
accuser · 11:23
someone who wants it on the record exactly once so they can link it instead of having this conversation again.
tiago · 11:23
if it were nothing you'd just say nothing
accuser · 11:24
i did say nothing. for years. you escalated to a website. this is on you, legally and morally.
tiago · 11:24
§ 05 · THE PHILOSOPHY
ok smart guy. define "furry." go.
accuser · 11:27
a person who identifies with an anthropomorphic animal persona. note the word PERSON. the cat is not a person. the cat is a cat.
tiago · 11:27
but it stands for YOU online. that makes it anthropomorphic
accuser · 11:28
a logo stands for a company. McDonald's is not legally a clown. take it up with them first.
tiago · 11:28
where's the LINE then. when does a cat picture become a fursona
accuser · 11:29
the line is identification. i do not identify as the cat. i identify as a guy who is extremely tired of this question.
tiago · 11:29
the cat is basically your platonic ideal of yourself
accuser · 11:30
my platonic ideal of myself does not need glasses and is not green. the cat is a downgrade, frankly.
tiago · 11:30
there's no objective difference between a cat avatar and a fursona and you know it
accuser · 11:31
the objective difference is one of us thinks there's a difference and is correct, and one of us is texting at 11am.
tiago · 11:31
and being a furry would be FINE. why deny it so hard.
accuser · 11:32
it would be completely fine. it is also not true. i am allowed to deny things that are simply false. it's a hobby now.
tiago · 11:32
§ 06 · THE DESPERATE REACHES
you used the word "pawsitive" once in 2019
accuser · 11:35
that's a pun. puns are not a sexuality. your dad makes forty of those at every barbecue.
tiago · 11:35
you own a HOODIE. with a hood. hoods are basically a partial suit.
accuser · 11:36
a hood is for rain. you have just outlawed weather.
tiago · 11:36
you pet a cat at a party. i SAW you.
accuser · 11:37
it was a cat. at a party. that is what cats are for. you were the weird one, watching.
tiago · 11:37
your favorite movie has a talking animal in it
accuser · 11:38
that's most of cinema. you have just accused everyone who liked The Lion King, which is the entire species.
tiago · 11:38
you typed "rawr" to me. earlier. in this chat.
accuser · 11:39
scroll up. i did not. you are now fabricating evidence inside the evidence. impressive and disqualifying.
tiago · 11:39
you BLINKED when i said the word "convention"
accuser · 11:40
this is a text conversation. you cannot see me blink. you are interrogating a wall and losing.
tiago · 11:40
your wifi password probably has a paw emoji in it
accuser · 11:41
you are now guessing at passwords. this is just a normal crime with a furry theme.
tiago · 11:41
the FONT on this site is friendly. friendly fonts are a furry tell.
accuser · 11:42
it's Space Mono. it is a monospace font designed for code. you have accused a typeface.
tiago · 11:42
you reply too fast. only someone HIDING something replies this fast.
accuser · 11:43
i reply fast because the answers are easy because none of this is true. speed is exoneration here.
tiago · 11:43
fine. but in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE you'd be a furry. admit that.
accuser · 11:44
in a parallel universe you have a hobby that isn't this. let's both visit.
tiago · 11:44
the SHADOW on the cat's chin is shaped like a snout if you squint
accuser · 11:45
it's a cat. cats have a face. you have invented snout truthing. please rest.
tiago · 11:45
your DENIAL is so calm it's basically a confession
accuser · 11:46
so calm is guilty and upset would be guilty. you have built a trap with no innocent exit. i'm just walking out the side.
tiago · 11:46
§ 07 · THE TECHNICALITIES
i looked it up. the dictionary definition of furry is broad enough to include you. legally i think i win.
accuser · 11:49
a definition broad enough to include me is broad enough to include a zookeeper, a vet, and the entire cast of Sesame Street. you have not won. you have widened.
tiago · 11:49
technically you have never sworn under oath that you aren't one
accuser · 11:50
there is a notarized affidavit on this exact website. it has a stamp. it has a date. you skipped the affidavit page to come yell at the FAQ. that's a procedural error on your end.
tiago · 11:50
"the cat is just a cat" is a slogan, not a sworn fact
accuser · 11:51
it is a sworn fact that happens to also be a slogan. the best ones are both. "the sky is blue" is on a lot of mugs and remains true.
tiago · 11:51
burden of proof is on YOU to prove you aren't a furry
accuser · 11:52
the burden of proof is on the person making the claim. that is you. you cannot subcontract your own allegation back to the defendant. that's not how anything works.
tiago · 11:52
you can't prove a negative though. checkmate.
accuser · 11:53
i can absolutely prove i am not, for example, on fire right now. negatives are proven constantly. your checkmate has no pieces on the board.
tiago · 11:53
there's no statute of limitations on being a furry
accuser · 11:54
there's no statute of limitations on a thing that never started either. you cannot run out the clock on zero.
tiago · 11:54
i'm appealing this to a higher authority
accuser · 11:55
there's an entire Appeal page for that. it's in the nav. you keep finding the exits and walking past them.
tiago · 11:55
§ 08 · THE INTERNET
your discord status was set to "online" during a furry convention. explain.
accuser · 11:58
i was online because i was at my desk. conventions happen on a calendar. my discord does not consult the calendar. neither, evidently, do you.
tiago · 11:58
the green cat is your pfp on EVERY platform. consistency across platforms is suspicious.
accuser · 11:59
it's called branding. a logo that changes per platform is how you confuse people. you've just accused every company on earth of having a fursona.
tiago · 11:59
you have a custom emoji of the cat. of the CAT. in your own server.
accuser · 12:00
it's my logo as an emoji. companies do this too. when slack adds a slack emoji nobody calls slack a furry. give slack the same grace.
tiago · 12:00
you liked a tweet with an animal in it once
accuser · 12:01
animals are roughly forty percent of the internet by volume. liking one is statistically unavoidable and morally neutral.
tiago · 12:01
someone in your replies called you "catboy" and you didn't correct them
accuser · 12:02
i do not respond to every word strangers type at me. if i did, i'd be in this exact chat forever. oh.
tiago · 12:02
your username is lowercase. lowercase is a furry coding signal.
accuser · 12:03
lowercase is a typing-while-relaxed signal. you have just outed every poet and half of twitter. mass event.
tiago · 12:03
you have a .zip domain. furries love a personal site.
accuser · 12:04
so do recruiters, designers, and your dentist. owning a website is not a subculture. it's a tuesday.
tiago · 12:04
the cat has a NAME doesn't it. it has a name. that's a sona.
accuser · 12:05
the file is literally called not-furry-dot-png. i named it the verdict. that's the opposite of a sona, that's a press release.
tiago · 12:05
§ 09 · THE SCIENCE
zoologically, cats ARE animals, and identifying with an animal is the textbook thing. i took a class.
accuser · 12:08
i did not identify with it. i drew it. those are different verbs. you took a class but skipped the grammar one.
tiago · 12:08
there is no naturally occurring green mammal. it's biologically impossible. so it MUST be invented, which means fursona.
accuser · 12:09
drawings are allowed to be impossible. that's the headline feature of drawing. by your logic every cartoon ever is a fursona, including the Geico gecko, who is a salesman.
tiago · 12:09
green is a high-arousal saturated wavelength. color theory says you chose it to stand out at a con.
accuser · 12:10
color theory says it pops on a dark background, which is why it's on a dark website, not a carpeted ballroom. you read one chart and brought it to the wrong building.
tiago · 12:10
cats have a tapetum lucidum. you put glasses on it. you're CORRECTING for the tapetum. that's deep cat knowledge.
accuser · 12:11
you just said the word tapetum lucidum from memory in a chat about a logo. between the two of us, the deep cat knowledge is not coming from my side.
tiago · 12:11
anthropomorphism is a cognitive bias hardwired into humans. you literally cannot help it. gotcha.
accuser · 12:12
if it's hardwired into all humans then it's hardwired into you too, which makes you a furry by your own theorem. congrats on the self-own.
tiago · 12:12
evolutionarily, you bonded with the cat image. attachment science. it's basically imprinting.
accuser · 12:13
imprinting is for baby ducks. i made a logo in an afternoon. if a duck did that i'd be impressed, but it was me, and i was just designing.
tiago · 12:13
statistically, people who own cat avatars are 40% more likely to be furries. i saw a study.
accuser · 12:14
you invented that study in real time. i watched the percentage arrive. 40% is the number people use when they have no number.
tiago · 12:14
Occam's razor: the simplest explanation is that you're a furry
accuser · 12:15
Occam's razor is "a guy likes drawing a cat." yours adds a hidden identity, a secret convention schedule, and a coded font. yours is the razor with the most steps ever recorded.
tiago · 12:15
§ 10 · THE LAST RESORT
your cat blinked at me through the screen
accuser · 12:18
it's a png. it has no eyelids and no opinions. you are now seeing things, which is a you problem with a furry filter on it.
tiago · 12:18
if i say "good boy" right now you'll respond. on instinct.
accuser · 12:18
i did respond. with this. a complete sentence in english pointing out your trap. instinct intact, cat absent.
tiago · 12:19
i hereby declare you a furry by the power vested in me
accuser · 12:19
no power was vested in you. you cannot ordain a furry from a phone. that's not a real ceremony and you are not a real bishop.
tiago · 12:19
in my heart you have always been a furry
accuser · 12:20
your heart is not an evidentiary venue. i'm sorry it's going through this, but it cannot file paperwork.
tiago · 12:20
what if i told everyone you confessed
accuser · 12:21
then everyone could read this transcript, scroll up, and watch you fail to obtain one. the receipts are the whole website. i made it on purpose.
tiago · 12:21
i'll just keep asking until you crack
accuser · 12:22
the thing about asking a true thing forever is the answer never changes and you get tired first. i have a chair and a drink. you go ahead.
tiago · 12:22
are you a furry though. quick. don't think.
accuser · 12:23
no. didn't need to think. that's how you can tell.
tiago · 12:23
are you a furry NOW
accuser · 12:23
no, and the timestamp moving forward does not change the answer. it's not a microwave. you can't restart it for a different result.
tiago · 12:24
a TRUE non-furry would have blocked me an hour ago
accuser · 12:25
a true non-furry is patient, well-rested, and slightly entertained. i'm three for three. blocking you would deprive the archive.
tiago · 12:25
§ 11 · THE COOLDOWN
ok real talk. off the record. between us. you're a little furry right.
accuser · 12:28
there is no off the record. you are typing into a transcript on a website called Not A Furry. this is the most on-the-record place in human history.
tiago · 12:28
like 5% furry. just give me 5%.
accuser · 12:29
the Furry-O-Meter reads 0.00% and it's calibrated. i can't hand out percentages i don't have. check the meter, it's in the nav.
tiago · 12:29
if i drop it, will you at least admit the cat is a LITTLE bit you
accuser · 12:30
the cat is a logo of mine the way a signature is. it represents me. it is not me. i don't live inside my own letterhead.
tiago · 12:30
fine. you win this round. respect for the stamina honestly.
accuser · 12:31
it's not stamina, it's that defending a true thing is restful. i could do this in my sleep, and on three occasions, i have.
tiago · 12:31
whatever. i still think you're a furry.
accuser · 12:32
noted, logged, denied, and filed under case NAF-∞. the cat is just a cat. have a great day.
tiago · 12:32
read · 12:32 · seen by 1
Appendix · Asked-So-Often-It-Aches
THE SHORT ANSWERS
For those who skim. The accordion edition. Same verdict, fewer bubbles.
So, just to confirm, are you a furry? ASKED 9,001×
No. The cat is just a cat. This answer has been stable across every recorded universe, mood, and time zone. There is no asterisk.
Then why does the cat look like that? CAT QUESTION
Because cats look like that. It has ears, whiskers, and a tail because removing any of those would make it a worse cat, not a less furry one.
Why green? COLOR QUESTION
It looks good and it is easy to find on a dark background. That is the whole document. Green is not a confession. Green is a contrast ratio.
Why build an entire website about it? META QUESTION
So this can be linked instead of relitigated. One page is cheaper than ten thousand replies. You are, ironically, helping prove the point by reading the appendix.
Would it even be bad to be a furry? PHILOSOPHY
No. It would be completely fine. It simply isn't the case. A denial of a false claim is not a judgment on the true ones.
Isn't a logo basically a fursona? TECHNICALITY
No. A logo represents an entity. A fursona is an entity. The cat stands in for the brand the way a signature stands in for a hand. Nobody lives inside their own letterhead.
Can't you prove a negative? LOGIC
You can, constantly. I can prove I am not currently on fire, underwater, or in Belgium. "You can't prove a negative" is a thing people say when their positive claim has run out of road.
Why is it the same picture on every platform? INTERNET
Consistency is branding, not confession. A logo that changes per site just confuses people. Slack uses the Slack logo everywhere too, and nobody has ever called Slack a furry.
What does the Furry-O-Meter actually say? SCIENCE
It says 0.00%, calibrated, and it's in the nav. I cannot hand out a percentage I do not have. The instrument has been checked. The instrument is bored.
What if everyone decides you're a furry anyway? LAST RESORT
Then everyone can read this transcript, scroll up, and watch the confession fail to arrive. The receipts are the entire website. That was the design goal, not an accident.
How long are you willing to keep answering this? STAMINA
Indefinitely, because defending a true thing is restful. The asker gets tired first, every single time. I have a chair, a drink, and a calm that you can hear from here.
What would actually change your answer? FINAL QUESTION
Nothing, because the answer is correct. The cat is just a cat. You may now close this tab with total confidence.