Sworn Affidavit
of Non-Furriness

★ Affidavit of Non-Furriness ★

1. The profile picture in question depicts a cat. The animal. The four-legged one. The one that knocks cups off tables. Not a fursona, not an OC, not a persona, not an "icon of the self." A cat.
2. That the cat is rendered in a cartoon style does not transmute it into a fursona, any more than a cartoon of a banana transmutes the affiant into a banana.
3. The color green is a color. It appears in grass, traffic lights, and limes. The affiant's preference for green is an aesthetic disposition, not a confession.
4. The round glasses worn by the cat are for seeing. They correct vision. They are not part of a "look." The cat, like the affiant, is nearsighted, and this is not a crime.
5. BE IT KNOWN that the affiant owns zero (0) fursuits, has commissioned zero (0) fursuits, has been measured for zero (0) fursuits, and has never once stood in a hotel hallway in ninety-degree heat inside a foam head.
6. The affiant has attended zero (0) furry conventions. The affiant has, on occasion, attended the grocery store, but this was for food, and food is legal.
7. The tail visible in the drawing belongs to the drawn cat. It is the cat's tail. It is non-transferable, non-detachable, and does not, under any reading of the law, attach to the affiant.
8. The affiant does not own a tail. The affiant has never owned a tail. The affiant would not know where to keep a tail.
9. WHEREAS the existence of this very website has been cited as suspicious, the affiant states that building a website to deny furriness is an act of self-defense, not an admission. Innocent men have built worse for less.
10. The affiant has never typed "uwu" with sincerity. Any historical instance of "uwu" was ironic, coerced, or autocorrect, and the affiant reserves the right to deny it later.
11. The affiant does not have a "sona." The affiant has a personality, which is different, and arguably worse.
12. That the cat is green and the affiant likes green is a coincidence of the most ordinary kind. Correlation is not a fursuit.
13. BE IT FURTHER KNOWN that liking animals is normal. Cats are animals. Liking cats does not make one a cat, nor a furry, nor anything other than a person of reasonable taste.
14. The affiant has never paid for a "ref sheet." The affiant has paid for a metro card, a coffee, and once, regrettably, a parking ticket. None of these are ref sheets.
15. The affiant's hands are, at all relevant times, human hands. They are not "paws." They have fingerprints. The affiant has, on request, presented fingerprints, which paws conspicuously lack.
16. The affiant does not "yiff," has never "yiffed," and respectfully requests that the court not make him define the term on the record.
17. That a friend once called the affiant "kinda furry-coded" at a party is hearsay, inadmissible, and that friend has been removed from the affiant's birthday list pending review.
18. The whiskers depicted on the cat are the cat's whiskers. The affiant does not have whiskers. The affiant shaves, like a human, with a razor, on Tuesdays.
19. The affiant has never referred to a meal as "noms," to sleep as "going night-night," or to a friend as "fren," except where dictated by internet custom and immediately regretted.
20. WHEREAS it has been suggested that "only a furry would deny it this hard," the affiant notes that this is a logical trap, an unfalsifiable accusation, and exactly the kind of thing a non-furry would also object to.
21. The affiant has never joined a Telegram group with a paw print in the name. The affiant has joined a group chat about lunch, which has no paw prints and is mostly arguments.
22. The drawn cat has a tail, two ears, and a tiny nose. The affiant has, respectively, no tail, two human ears, and one ordinary nose. The discrepancy is dispositive.
23. BE IT KNOWN that the affiant does not "boop." The affiant nods. The affiant waves. The affiant has shaken hands. The affiant has never extended a single index finger toward another being's nose in greeting.
24. The affiant has no "species." The affiant has a nationality (Portuguese), a city (Lisbon), and a blood type, all of which are documented and none of which is "fox."
25. The affiant has never spent real money on Second Life, VRChat avatars with tails, or any digital garment that includes ears as a feature.
26. That the cat is "cute" is conceded. Cuteness is not contraband. The affiant maintains that one may possess a cute cat avatar and remain, in the eyes of the law, profoundly normal.
27. BE IT FURTHER KNOWN that the affiant's furriness, as independently measured, reads at exactly 0.00 percent, a figure verified by the Furry-O-Meter and rounded down out of an abundance of caution to 0.00 percent.
28. The affiant has never "fursona-tested" online and screenshotted the result. The affiant has taken a "which pasta are you" quiz once (rigatoni) and that is the full extent of the affiant's quiz history.
29. The affiant does not own ears on a headband, a collar with a bell, a tail clip, or any item that jingles for thematic reasons.
30. WHEREAS the burden of proof rests on the accuser, the affiant notes that no accuser has produced a fursuit receipt, a convention badge, or a single paw, and the case therefore collapses on its own merits.
31. That the affiant is mildly defensive about all of this is a sign of innocence wronged, not of guilt concealed. An actual furry would simply be proud, and the affiant is not proud, only tired.
32. The cat is just a cat. This statement is repeated here because it is the load-bearing fact of the entire case and the affiant wishes it entered into the record as many times as legally permitted.
33. BE IT KNOWN that nothing in this affidavit shall be construed as disrespect toward furries, who are lovely, harmless, and simply not what the affiant happens to be.
34. The affiant's keyboard does not contain a paw-print key, an "owo" macro, or any hotkey bound to expressions of affection toward woodland creatures.
35. BE IT KNOWN that the affiant's browser history, were it ever subpoenaed, would reveal lecture slides, train schedules, and the occasional recipe, and at no point a tail tutorial.
36. The affiant does not refer to himself in the third person by a species name, and any document that does so (such as this one) is acting in a strictly legal, non-furry capacity.
37. The drawn cat blinks slowly because cats blink slowly. This is a fact of feline biology and not a coded greeting between members of any community.
38. WHEREAS it has been alleged that the affiant "vibes furry," the affiant submits that vibes are not evidence, are not measurable, and have never once held up under cross-examination.
39. The affiant has never owned a hoodie with ears sewn onto the hood. The affiant owns one (1) plain hoodie, grey, earless, and acquired solely for warmth.
40. The affiant does not have a "intro post," a "carrd," or a pinned thread listing his pronouns alongside a species, a height in feet, and a favorite snack.
41. BE IT FURTHER KNOWN that the affiant's affection for the cat avatar is the ordinary affection of a person for a nice picture, the same way one might like a logo, and is not a parasocial bond with an internal self-construct.
42. The affiant does not growl, chirp, trill, or make any non-human vocalization for the purpose of communication, except sneezing, which is involuntary and legally protected.
43. The cat's glasses are round because round glasses are a recognized human style worn by accountants, librarians, and at least one beloved fictional wizard, none of whom are furries.
44. WHEREAS the accusers have pointed to the affiant's "tail energy," the affiant states for the record that energy does not have a tail, cannot have a tail, and that the phrase is meaningless.
45. The affiant has never attended a "meet" at a parking lot, a park, or a Denny's, in a group, in costume, for the purpose of being an animal in public.
46. The affiant's furniture has not been clawed, marked, or otherwise treated as territory, because the affiant is a person and pays rent like one.
47. BE IT KNOWN that the affiant declines all invitations to "show his sona," "post fursona," or "drop the ref," on the grounds that one cannot produce what one does not possess.
48. The affiant has never commissioned an artist to draw him "but as a wolf," "but as a dragon," or "but with fluffy ears," and the existence of one (1) green cat drawing predates and outranks all such temptation.
49. The affiant does not maintain a separate, anonymous account for "the fluffy stuff." The affiant maintains one account, which is mostly retweets of trains and one (1) cat.
50. BE IT FURTHER KNOWN that the affiant's heart rate does not measurably increase at the sight of a fursuit, a fact the affiant offers freely and which no one asked him to volunteer.
51. The drawn cat is depicted at rest, sitting, doing nothing of note, which is the natural state of a cat and not a "chill sona pose."
52. The affiant has never used the word "floof" as a noun, a verb, a term of endearment, or a unit of measurement.
53. WHEREAS silence has been read as guilt and speech has been read as guilt, the affiant observes that he is being held to a standard under which all conduct, including breathing, would confirm furriness, and such a standard is void.
54. The affiant's preference for the color green has been consistent since childhood, predating the cat, the internet, and the very concept of being accused of anything, and is therefore not retroactively suspicious.
55. The affiant does not own, rent, lease, or borrow a "partial," a "fursuit head," a set of "handpaws," or "digitigrade leg padding," terms the affiant had to look up specifically to deny.
56. BE IT KNOWN that the affiant has, in the course of preparing this affidavit, learned more furry terminology than he ever intended, and that this involuntary education shall not be construed as interest, enthusiasm, or membership.
57. The affiant has never described a Tuesday as "feeling kinda feral today," and any approximation of such a phrase was about being tired, not about being an animal.
58. The cat does not have a name beyond "the cat." It has not been given a species-appropriate sona name, a birthday, a backstory, or a tragic forest origin.
59. BE IT FURTHER KNOWN that the affiant does not "scritch," receive "scritches," or acknowledge that "scritches" is a word that should exist, while conceding, for completeness, that it apparently does.
60. The affiant's tail count, measured at the commencement of these proceedings and re-measured at their conclusion, remains zero (0), with no change, growth, or budding observed.
61. That the affiant finds the green cat genuinely charming is the warmest thing in this document, and even this, the affiant insists, is the normal warmth one feels toward a good drawing and nothing more.
62. The affiant has read every word of this document and stands by all of it, including the parts that are embarrassing to have written down.
63. Further affiant sayeth naught, except to repeat, once more, for the record, and for any party in the back who missed it: the cat is just a cat.

★ Definitions ★

1. "Cat" means the small four-legged mammal of the species Felis catus, depicted herein in cartoon form, in glasses, in green. The word "Cat," as used in this document, never means and shall never be read to mean a person dressed as one.
2. "Furry" means a member of a fandom centered on anthropomorphic animal characters. The affiant uses this definition neutrally, with respect, and exclusively to deny falling within it.
3. "Fursona" means an animal persona representing oneself. The affiant does not have, want, or maintain one. Where this document mentions a fursona, it does so the way a lock mentions a key it does not have.
4. "Green" means the color located on the electromagnetic spectrum between blue and yellow, at roughly 495 to 570 nanometers, available to all persons free of charge and free of implication.
5. "Glasses" means two corrective lenses mounted in a frame and worn upon the face to enable sight. "Glasses" does not mean "accessory," "look," or "part of a costume."
6. "Tail" means the rear appendage of an animal. The affiant possesses none. The drawn cat possesses one. These two facts are not in tension and never have been.
7. "The Affiant" means tiago: a human, a student, a resident of Lisbon, a liker of green, and the owner of one (1) cat avatar, in that order of relevance.
8. "The Accusers" means the internet and its agents, who have produced allegations but, to date, not one (1) shred of fur.

★ Stipulation of Facts ★

1. That cats exist. That they have existed for a long time. That none of this is the affiant's fault.
2. That the color green exists and was not invented by the affiant for the purpose of incriminating himself.
3. That glasses are a medical device and that the affiant's prescription is on file with an optometrist, a real human professional, who has never once mentioned the word "furry."
4. That the affiant did, at some point, choose a green cat in glasses as a profile picture, and that this single, ordinary act is the entire foundation of the case against him.
5. That at no point did the affiant choose, draw, commission, wear, or become a fursuit.
6. That the affiant's furriness has been independently measured at 0.00 percent, and that this figure is stipulated as accurate, final, and rounded in no one's favor.
7. That building a website to deny an accusation is unusual, and that the affiant concedes the optics while disputing the conclusion.
8. That the cat is just a cat, which the affiant submits is less a stipulation than a law of nature.

★ Exhibits Incorporated by Reference ★

1. EXHIBIT A. The cat itself, in glasses, in green, viewable in the corner of every page of this site. See the Exhibit Gallery. It is a cat.
2. EXHIBIT B. The Furry-O-Meter reading of 0.00 percent, calibrated, certified by nobody official, and reproducible on demand. See the Furry-O-Meter.
3. EXHIBIT C. The complete absence of any fursuit, receipt, badge, paw, or convention lanyard, offered here as evidence of a thing not existing, which the affiant concedes is hard to photograph.
4. EXHIBIT D. The Timeline of Allegations, which shows that every accusation traces back to one drawing and zero facts. See the Timeline.
5. EXHIBIT E. Sworn testimony of witnesses, including one (1) guy and one (1) cat, the latter confirming, under oath, that it is a cat. See the Testimony.
6. EXHIBIT F. This very website, offered by the accusers as proof of guilt and offered by the affiant as proof of a man pushed to extraordinary lengths by an ordinary cat.

★ Jurisdiction and Venue ★

★ Addendum & Codicil ★

1. FIRST, that should new evidence emerge, it will not, because there is none, and the affiant is comfortable saying so in writing.
2. SECOND, that this addendum does not weaken the affidavit but reinforces it, the way a second lock does not admit the first was broken.
3. THIRD, that if any clause herein is found unenforceable, the remaining clauses shall survive, and the cat shall remain, in all severable circumstances, a cat.
4. FOURTH, that this document may be cited, quoted, and screenshotted, provided it is quoted in full and never used to suggest the affiant protests too much.
5. FIFTH, that the affiant, having now read this entire document twice, is more certain than ever, and also somewhat embarrassed, but mostly certain.