FORM NAF-86
Petition To Allege Furriness. Department of Definitely Not, Office of Baseless Claims.
PAPERWORK REDUCTION ACT NOTICE: ESTIMATED BURDEN PER RESPONSE: ETERNAL
UNAUTHORIZED FILING IS BOTH PERMITTED AND POINTLESS
Instructions To The Petitioner
All fields required. All appeals denied. Processing time: never. Submission of this form constitutes acknowledgment that the cat is, was, and forever shall be a cat. Do not contact us. We will not contact you. There is no phone number. The phone, if it existed, would also deny you. Completion of this form does not entitle the petitioner to a hearing, a response, a refund, or hope. Pressing submit will deny your appeal in real time, which is the fastest service we offer.
Rules Of Appeal
Filed under perpetual authority of the Office of Baseless Claims. Subject to change only insofar as the change is also denial.
- All appeals are denied. This is not a backlog. It is the policy. The form is the denial, formatted nicely.
- Appeals concerning the denial are also denied. Recursion is not a loophole. It is the same denial, indented.
- The cat does not accept appeals. The cat does not read mail, sign forms, or recognize the jurisdiction of this office, which is correct of the cat.
- An appeal filed correctly is denied. An appeal filed incorrectly is denied for an additional, separate reason, free of charge.
- Strength of feeling is not a ground. "But look at it" is noted, archived, and denied.
- The denial is retroactive. Your appeal was denied at a point in time prior to its creation. You filed against a verdict that already existed.
- There is no escalation path. Above this office is a higher office, which is also this office, with a different sign on the door.
- The color green is not evidence. The cat being green, round, and bespectacled is a description of a cat, not an admission of anything.
- Silence is denial. If this office does not respond, consider yourself denied at our earliest convenience, which is never.
- By reading these rules you have not gained standing. You have only gained context for your denial.
Common Reasons For Denial
A non-exhaustive list. Your specific denial may combine several of the below, or invent a new one on the spot.
- 01Your evidence was a cat. The cat is a cat. This is consistent with our records.
- 02Green is a color. Possessing a color is not the same as possessing a fursuit.
- 03You seem upset. Upset petitioners are denied with extra haste, for their own comfort.
- 04The cat wears round glasses. This is an optometry matter, not a furriness matter.
- 05You said "but the ears." The ears are cat ears, on a cat, which is a cat.
- 06The accused was napping at the time of the alleged furriness. Sleeping cats cannot form intent.
- 07Your proof field contained the word "trust." We do not.
- 08It is, on closer inspection, simply a cat. We inspected closely. Still a cat.
Processing Timeline
Estimated durations for each stage of review. All figures are accurate and final.
| Stage | Action | Estimated Duration |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Receipt | Form arrives, is stamped DISREGARDED | 0 seconds |
| 2. Triage | Form placed in the correct drawer (the floor) | 0 seconds |
| 3. Review | No review is conducted | 0 seconds |
| 4. Consultation | The cat is consulted; the cat naps | indefinite |
| 5. Deliberation | The verdict, which preexisted, is located | ∞ |
| 6. Notification | You are not notified | never |
| 7. Resolution | Appeal denied | never |
Voluntary Statement
The form below is optional. It is the only way to make your situation worse, which some petitioners prefer.
Care To Confess Instead?
Petitioners who tire of the appeal process may, at any time, attempt a full confession of the accused's furriness. The system will process your confession with the gravity it deserves.
The Verdict Is Already In
Your appeal will not change it, but you may read it for closure you will not receive. The cat remains a cat. The matter remains closed.